py (3)
goes by the name veron (english) or wanting (chinese). a definitive leo born august 1, 1984. a solo traveler. loves cats, coffee, sensual music, yummy food and technology. when she's not at her job as an IS developer for the government, she's likely to be out dining, or visiting an interesting art gallery or event.
wanna know a secret?
i’m so ashamed of myself that i have resorted to giving myself a persona in public. just so i might still have family and friends. just so they wouldn’t actually know i’m this screwed up. there’s an invisible wall between me and the world. and it’s getting thicker by the minute.
i feel more alone than ever. i don’t know if i should ask for help. maybe i don’t want to. because there always seems to be a sliver of hope somewhere. and i can fix it on my own.
but maybe i can’t after all. and this is all a perpetual state of disillusion. it’s like quicksand. whatever hope there seems to be is just making me sink quicker and deeper.
lately, i’ve been visiting postsecret a lot. it makes me aware that there are many broken souls around… so many silent voices yearning to be heard. every visit to the website somewhat pains me and yet comforts me at the same time; i’m not so alone after all.
“PostSecret is an ongoing collaborative art project. People from around the world share their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.”
people snail-mail in their postcards to the website, with their secrets written on them. most of these are anonymous. they are always very powerful lines, at times thought-provoking, and at times disturbing. every sunday, the website is updated with new postcards for the week.
who knows, i might send in a postcard of my own soon.
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Hey Wanting, I think all of us to some extent know about the identity crisis that plagues our souls almost perpetually. We question every action we do, before and after; then somehow despite our self-assured confidence, somehow self-doubt manages to creep in. Then we start to question our judgement and ability.
The voices at postsecret are these faceless entities who are speaking to nobody but themselves as well as everyone at the same time…the important thing is: don’t just identify, relate and wallow. There’s something to be learnt from the collective psyche, and that’s being proactive is always the best option. Take control of the reins and hang on, because there’s always hope.
I admire your independent streak, which can only mean you are confident in your willpower…but no (wo)man is an island, to borrow a cliche, but its meaning undiminished nonetheless - you cannot exist as a faceless entity in front of your immediate family and friends, so take comfort in that. You don’t have to mail a postcard to your friends, or write a letter to your family…they are our salvation in dire times.
One of my friends told me this advice: sometimes, the line is so thick you don’t even know you’re standing on it. Initially, I thought it was pretty meaningless. Then I realised all of us are metaphorically on this proverbial edge of sanity/insanity, and that we have a CHOICE to make for ourselves - do we jump to the left or to the right? A wall has a negative connotation, while a line gives us hope we can cross over to the right side. You might be disillusioned, but only you can make that choice to keep it permanent or discard it.
We don’t have to write postcards, drop them over the wall and desperately pray for that hope that someone on the other side will reply someday, sometime, somehow. You might classify it as false hope…never give yourself the chance to doubt hope itself, because if you do, that’s half of the battle lost.
I say, let your feelings be known to your loved ones. They represent real hopes you can invest in, not faceless entities on the other side of this invisible wall you speak of.
By the way, I tried searching for the book on Singapore’s Kinokuniya site, and here’s the link. They probably have it stocked at the Orchard store.
https://bookweb.kinokuniya.co.jp/guest/cgi-bin/bookseaohb.cgi?KEYWORD=%70%6F%73%74%73%65%63%72%65%74&AREA=04
View all comments by harrison
Mummy, wat happen to you? Come online talk hao ma?
Just happening i’m listening to this song now, share with u..
View all comments by tender
I won’t ask unless you wish to share… but know this… there are idiots that exist with no real link to the rest of your world… find them… lighten your load by sharing your pain with them… it might help…
Chill for now… I don’t know what kind of secrets you might have… but if your friends can’t accept them… then i strongly believe that you are better off without those people…. As for family… all the more they should accept you as what you are, and how you feel…
If there is one thing i have learnt about humans.. it is that the media they use as an expression, tend to have inner thoughts… with subtle meanings, perhaps, hidden from even oneself… and your choice of a post card for your blog… hmmm… doesn’t reflect well…
Oh yeah… a wall is just a wall… just as rules are meant to be broken… walls are meant to be smashed down… take this from the ultimate propagator of violence…
Take care of yourself… < (^<>^)> View all comments by <(^<>^)>
I think you should not worry too much.
There is at least one insecurity in every one of us. It is this self-doubt that stops us from being blind to the thoughts, opinions and points of view from the people and events happening around us.
In a way, secrets and insecurity go hand in hand, and I think they are needed in our daily lives, since these lead us to question constantly, provoking new viewpoints and opinions.
Don’t worry too much. Maybe it’s the exam stress that’s getting to you.
Just don’t get beaten down!
Mandy Zhang View all comments by Mandy Zhang
hey babe… juz pick up the phone and call me alr! i’m always here for you. =) View all comments by d
thanks to everyone,,, for just simply being here for me :) View all comments by Veron
While you’re reading the book, don’t forget to come up for some fresh air!
Stay strong, woman! View all comments by harrison
well… wherever you are… wherever i am… even if its halfway around the world… i’m only an msn message away…
cheer up beautiful girl! View all comments by alwyn
We all have secrets, but when we don’t talk about them, when we don’t talk them out, they just become compounded in our minds. We turn these thoughts over and over in our heads and they come to seem far worse than they actually are. Or, they are bad, and build up a wall, a fear of sharing them that is stronger than it should be. The ONLY way to move past something is to deal with it head on, to talk it out. You can trust the people around you, your friends, your family. They care about you, and they know you better than you think. The people around us are our lifelines, they can save us from ourselves. At the same time, our relationships with people are the ONLY thing that truly matter in this world. Good luck. View all comments by lifeline
:)
8 months on, I am certainly a lot happier than the time of blogging this entry. I have rid myself of the thing that was making me depressed all the time.
I am a better person for it, and am so glad that I no longer have to feel pain to feel alive. View all comments by Veron
im glad you’re doing better =] View all comments by lisa
This one makes sence “One’s first step in wisdom is to kuesstion everything - and one’s last is to come to terms with everything.” View all comments by Angelica Kelly
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