Ramblings

Why Do Indian Women Get Married?

By Veron Ang | Tags #Indian

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I met up with a friend from India recently. Indian men are good drinkers, I’d say. I had three pints of beer while he downed four easily like mineral water. Then, one of his Indian friends came along and sucked down a pint in ten seconds. The beer was good. Neither one of us suffered a hangover the following day. Beer, goooood.

Much as I would like it to be, this entry isn’t about beer. This friend from India (interestingly he is not of the Indian race) is easily one of the most colorful characters among the people I know. Through our conversation, I got to know some really intriguing things about India. Their dowry system, in particular. The conversation we had went something like this:

Friend: so in India, we have the dowry system.
Me: yeah I know that one. The bride’s family has to give a large sum of money to the groom’s family right?
Friend: right. It is strange because not only does the bride’s family “lose” a daughter, they lose a large chunk of their wealth at the same time.
Me: how much would the dowry be usually?
Friend: well, it depends on the status of the two families.
Me: say if someone were to marry you, how much would it be?
Friend: taking into consideration my current job and my salary, and the fact that it requires me to travel around the world…
Me: yeah…
Friend: …the dowry would be equivalent to millions of Singapore dollars in relative terms.
Me: (horrified) millions?!
Friend: yeah!

Seriously, millions? Who would be able to afford that? Even for the rich, millions of dollars is still a lot of money! I still can’t get over it even after three days.

He also mentioned that up to today, there are still many arranged marriages in India. The parents get to decide who their children marry. Now, not only would the woman’s family have to give his family a large sum of money, she does not even get to marry someone she loves!

So, why do Indian women still get married?

My friend couldn’t answer this question. Nor could his Indian friends.

One more thing. If the bride’s family could afford a large dowry, it would mean she’s wealthy enough to fend for herself. What would she need a husband for? I just don’t get it. Am I being too practical and missing something here?

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About the Author

Veron Ang is the founder and chief editor of Sparklette. She lives in Singapore and has dined and traveled across the world. She also runs Sparklette Studio, a web design and WordPress development firm. If you'd like to connect with her, head on over to the contact page or follow her personal updates on Twitter: @VeronSG.

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47 responses

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NTT
January 16, 2007

Haha.. I always thought all this only existed in the past or in Bollywood movies. Seems, it exists even today. :(

Though, it does depend on which part of India, one talks about. In certain more ‘westernised’ states/cities, arranged marriages and dowries are becoming rare sights.
Reply
Veron
January 16, 2007

Yup, you are right. This practice is carried out with only certain families. But still…
Reply
tyc76
January 16, 2007

omg…u is better drinker than me!! 1 mug and that’s it for me.
Reply
Veron
January 16, 2007

Well I’ve had a lot of practice!
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Brennan
January 17, 2007

Back in the old days, the dowry was relative to the groom’s social status. Somehow, that kept the bride in that caste, and prevented the bride from moving up the social ladder.

Today, I think we view it more as a tradition. At the end, love don’t worth any amount of money…
Reply
cray
January 17, 2007

hmm, it is a question of perspective. Perhaps, the societal cost of having an unmarried woman in the family far outweighs the dowry expense. Perhaps, she is seen as a liability rather than as an asset (why so? hmm there is a reason, but that is way too complicated for this comment).

The societal cost, of course, is a manifestation of the reproductive cost of staying unmarried in India. Basically, a woman who isn’t married cannot have a child (even if she does have one out of wedlock, she cannot raise it “properly” because of societal pressure).

Anyway, the point is social systems evolve in arbitrary ways, though ultimately the underlying/ultimate need… no purpose for every person in this world is to survive and reproduce. end of story.

btw, dowry is illegal in India.

woah, I can’t believe I wrote all of that :D! what say you?
Reply
dreamy
January 17, 2007

i luv ur web design…..v dreamlike!
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey cray,

I also agree that societal pressure is probably the driving factor behind women wanting to get married. Interesting bit about the dowry system being illegal — my friend never mentioned that!
Reply
viswali
January 17, 2007

Women who are unmarried are looked down upon by others and maybe thought of as even unlucky. The parents see it as their duty to send off their daughters to a good family. If not they might be subject to gossip. The whole family might be criticised.
This is very much entrenched in Indian society (in India) and it might take ages of reform and education before there might be changes.
Reply
tigerfish
January 17, 2007

very status-conscious but the caste system still thrives in india, i think.

P.S. Thx for visiting my blog. I just checked out yours today and love the background castle very much. Is it fact(made into graphics) or fiction ? Looks like Neuenstein in Ger.
;p
Reply
Naime
January 17, 2007

hmmm…if ur fren is not from the indian race, he still qualifies to the dowry?
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey viswali,

Thanks for your input. I think you explained everything.
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Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey tigerfish,

Yup this is the world famous schloss neuschwanstein in Germany. One of my top ten places to visit this lifetime. Disney actually drew inspiration from it for its castle(s).
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey Naime,

My friend’s family doesn’t partake in this custom. Only some Indian families do.
Reply
Beni
January 17, 2007

Veron, your blog readers have already made some very analytical and logical comments on the hows and whys of this evil plaguing the Indian society. Although we did talk about it at length, I’d like to add my 2 cents here.

It is a very complex society here. Casteism, discrimination, corruption, racism, communalism, and god knows what else is rampant. Even the most educated families are yet to be ‘educated’ in the true sense of the word. And most of all, women are yet to get the respect that they deserve. And that is one of the reasons why unmarried women are looked down upon by people. And unmarried mothers are almost non-existent. Why, a man can remain a bachelor all his life without anyone questioning his intentions.

Someone was right in pointing it out that girl chilren are most of the times seen as liabilities. Of course, she can fend for herself once she grows up, but she knows she’s up against the whole world. Not everyone is ready for that.

It is illegal indeed, but does that stop people from practicing it? And it’s not like one of those laws that the government passes to help the citizens. I mean if you enact a law saying rapists would have their organs chopped off without any trial, I am sure crime against women would drop completely. But here we have a scenario where laws don’t mean anything. If the groom’s family refused for the marriage because the bride’s family were not ready to pay dowry, what can the latter party do? At best, go to the cops and complain. The groom’s family can find a thousand reasons why they are not ready for the marriage. And now the bride’s family is going to have a hell of a time looking for another groom. So, it’s not laws, but people’s mentality, outlook, attitude that needs to changed. For god’s sake there are parts where newly-married women are killed/burnt alive because they failed to bring sufficient dowry.

Okay. Enough of sounding like a doomsday soothsayer. India is not all about dowry system, or any of the evils that I mentioned. It is a country full of promises and potentials. Just needs a revolutionary awakening. Maybe we just lack the right leaders. And it’s not like these things happen in every other family/city. The chief perpetrators would mostly be some rustic bumpkins, the frogs in the well, if you like. And folks in cities are westernized and if you tell them of such things, it’s very probable that they’d be surprised too. Chances are that if you have met an Indian abroad, he/she would have a modern outlook towards everything. Narrow-minded people hardly move out of their shitholes.

Veron, thanks a lot for your interest in India. Please go thru the following if you can. Kinda lengthy but should help you know more about India. You’ll know what it’s about.

http://63n1.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_archive.html
http://63n1.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_archive.html
Reply
aishah
January 17, 2007

there was once in my Social Studies class, we had a project to do about beliefs… or something like that.

My team did about the dowry system. we argued the flaws of the dowry system, and what had happened to some of the brides due to the dowry system; abuse i think. i can’t recall much of my statement. but i know i felt quite frustrated that such systems existed.

but we were solely against the dowry system based on the fact that it is against freewill and human rights to force someone to marry without consent or is forced to consent. it was a heated debate really *laughs.

but then again, their cultures are so different from ours. Who are we to judge their beliefs right?
Reply
Harro!
January 17, 2007

Has anyone thought about the issue of “sex”?
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey Beni,

Good grief! There are actually women who get killed for not giving enough dowry? Damn, my blood is boiling now.

The next time I hear any man complaining about women “having it better”, he’s going to get a hard kick in the nuts.

Thanks for sharing. I’m sure all of us here are much enlightened about Indian culture.
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey aishah,

For all we know, they judge our beliefs too. They probably can’t fathom the thought of women having equal rights as men, going out to work the same jobs and earning the same keep.

Our lives certainly seem really different. I, for one, am glad that I don’t have to worry about getting burned alive for not paying enough dowry!
Reply
Veron
January 17, 2007

Hey Harro,

What? You can’t be serious!
Reply